Day 12 of starving myself to death challenge.

Why is dying more comfortable than living?

Because you don't feel anything? I remember when the first time I had consciousness. It was dark, like my eyes were closed the whole time. And then there was light. Which turned out be the window of our house. Everything else from that point to now is now a blur.

You didn't answer my question from your previous post. What's the objective again? Is it just to die?

@fruitfcker silent slow death of natural causes with complete pre-death experience

Sweet release from everything, I guess?

@ars1 no, I’m very productive now. Libido is completely gone, so no need to have sex/masturbate. Mind is crystal clear, focus is laser sharp. I’m working on my own project, the thing I’m working on for half a year already. This will be my biggest creation

Sweet release from everything perhaps means apathy. I’m so far from feeling that

I once told one of my therapists about how, despite not actively being suicidal anymore, I still had this comforting thought of "if X doesn't work out, I can still kill myself the next day or something" way after that time.

We also talked about how I often have to rewatch shows and movies that actively remind me of the worst times in my lives, when I was a helplessly depressed 14 - 16 years old, thinking about killing myself.

The feeling itself was comforting, despite feeling worthless and like a failure.

It's the thought of control that I otherwise don't have over my own life. When I do this, it's my own decision to put myself into this place again, not anyone else's, as most things usually are.

Eat something for goodness sake and stop being stupid

@12bitfloat I do eat, because I don’t want my body to realize it’s starving. When I tried to just stop eating at all, I kept vomiting. Now I feel good, no bad side effects at all, just a huge caloric deficit

@kiki u have not so much time left to finish it, lol

inflammation goes down, and your body recycles lazy or malformed cells via apoptosis and makes new ones with STEM cells