'Sup mates.
First rant...
So Here's a story of how I severely messed up my mental health trying to fit in university.

But the bonus: Found my passion.
Her we go,

Went to university thinking it'll be awesome to learn new stuff.
1st sem was pure shock - Programming was taught at the speed of V2 rockets.
Everything was centred around marks.

Wanted to get a good run in 2nd sem, started to learn Vector design, but RIP- Hospitalized for Staph infection, missed the whole sem and was in recovery for 3 months.
So asked uni for financial assistance as I had to re-register the courses the next semester. They flat out refused, not even in this serious of a case.

So, time to register courses for third semester, turns out most of the 2nd year courses are full, I had to take 3rd year courses like:
Social and Informational Networks
Human Computer Interaction
Image processing
And
Parallel and Distributed Computing (They had no prerequisites listed, for the cucks they are: BIG MISTAKE)
Turns out the first day of classes that I attend, the Image proc. teacher tells me that it's gonna be difficult for 2nd years so I drop it, as the PDC prof. also seconds that advice.

Time travel 2 months in: The PDC prof is a bitch, doesn't upload any notes at all and teaches like she's on Velocity-9 while treating this subject like a competition on who learns the most rather than helping everyone understand.
Doesn't let students talk to each other in lab even if one wants to clear their friend's doubt, "Do it on your own!" What the actual fuck?

Time for term end exams and project submission: Me and 3 seniors implement a Distributed File System in python and show it to her, she looks satisfied.
Project Results: Everyone else got 95/100
I got 76.
She's so prejudiced that she thinks that 2nd years must have been freeloaders while I put my ass on turbo for the whole sem, learning to code while tackling advanced concepts to the point that I hated to code.

I passed the course with a D grade.
People with zero consideration for others get absolutely zero respect from me.
Well it's safe to say that I went Nuclear(heh.. pun..) at this point, Mentally I was in such a bad place that I broke down.... Went into depression but didn't realise it.

But,
I met a senior in my HCI class that I did a project with, after which I discovered we had lots of similar interests.
We became good friends and started collaborating on design projects and video game prototyping.

Enter the 4th sem and holy mother of God did I got some bad bad profs....
Then it hit me
I have been here for two years, put myself through the meat grinder and tore my soul into shreds.
This Is Not Me
This Wont Be The End Of Me
I called up my sister in London and just vented all my emotions in front of her.
Relief.
Been a long time since I felt that.
I decided to go for what I truly feel passionate about: Game Design

So I am now trying to apply for Universities which have specialised courses for game design.

I've got my groove again, learnt to live again.
Learning C# now.
:)
It's been a long hello, and If you've reached till here somehow, then damn, you the MVP.
Peace.

Why dont people trust you?

I was hired to be an SQL developer, I don't actually get to do much development, normally doing something involving copying and pasting in Excel.

Some of our databases were running slow and we noticed some (a few hundred) indexes were in shit state.

I knocked up a couple of scripts, one to reorganise indexes that were up to a certain amount of fragmentation and one to rebuild the indexes

My boss wants them tested (they were several times in dev) we've had these for over 3 weeks, but she doesn't want to run them.

Instead of fixing hundred of indexes she decided I should contrate on fixing some historic data issues that are preventing 10 indexes from being rebuilt.

Now there are serious issues and the CTO is asking why the indexes haven't been fixed.

I could have done this nearly a month ago, but now it's turned into a huge fucki g deal, and no doubt they'll try and push it back on me

Was approached by a (serious) recruiter and the project they're looking to hire for is a 3 year contract, remote and actually sounds really interesting and right up my alley.

Cue the self doubt.

Scared shitless I won't pass the bog standard PHP skill assessment test.

SHUT UP BRAIN.

Step 1. Learn to code .
Step 2. Exchange code for money.
Step 3. Exchange money for car, soap & a clean shirt.
Step 4. Profit.
[GOTO: Step #1]

Lol. OK on a serious note coding improved my love life, it drastically reduced the frequency of dates - but dramatically improved the quality and duration of my relationships.
I used to believe that anyone/thing had the potential to be great - and (like me) all they needed was a little time to seize an opportunity.
This essentially meant there were no deal breakers and I spent a lot of time giving people benefit of the doubt and investing a lot of time & effort supporting and trying to build on aspirations that would turn out to simply be fantasies I was indulging.

I still idealistically believe that everything/one has infinite potential - only now I know which problems are worth solving, which are purely for fun or a thought experiment and which should immediately be thrown out and refactored.

All the ambition in the world is void without drive.

Can I get a job without a degree? I'm so sick of studying like this in India. Argh. I already know a lot more than the average computer science students and I'm wasting my time trying to learn why friction opposed the tendency of slipping. Idiots.

After telling my manager I'm leaving for another company they started taking interest in my life all of a sudden and really want me to stay. In serious doubt about what I should do now.

Serious question guys.

How do you deal with stress of f-ing up at work?

I had to upgrade a whole postgresql stack today. Most of the upgrade went fine, but... Restoring a backup by pg_basebackup lead to an unusable database (would not replicate), had to apologize to the client and make last second modifications as disaster recovery, and all the while, ever since the DB didn't start up, to when I eventually went back to work and was no longer alone on the task, I was going through a crippling anxiety...

I... Love the job, but incidents like this... Make me doubt my future as anything more than a mediocre sysadmin...

"I swear I'm not a potato! I'm actually a capable dev.." I just have some serious self doubt and much less self confidence after this past year and feeling super mediocre due to lack of experience... And now that someone stepped up to help, my brain is just mush and I'm not doing half of what I know I can.... This sucks... 😞. Hope I get over myself soon...

!dev Just a story.

So my wife is cooking me some stuffed pork in a George Foreman grill. The cut is very thick. She decides to cook the rest of the pork cuts in the oven. I am going to eat the one cooked in the grill.

So I decide to joke: "So am I getting trichinosis today?"
She: "Are you questioning my cooking ability! Get out!"
Me: "What?! Are you joking? Are you serious?" <I have no clue>

Next day:
Me: "Were you really upset about the trichinosis comment?"
Her: "Not really, I wouldn't poison you on purpose. Although you saying that kind of makes me feel like you doubt my cooking."
Me: "I was joking the grill might not get it all cooked. I don't doubt your cooking."
Her: "So my nefarious plan totally worked." <sends picture of ominous racoon wringing fingers together>
Me: "I have eaten some iffy shit over the years at home and abroad. I usually just shrug and wonder if I am gonna have diarrhea."
Her: <laughing for a good 5 minutes and sending me laughing memes>

No diarrhea today. All is well.

"curious about programming?
You’ve read all of your member-only stories this month. Become a member to read and support the writers and publications uncovering new insights in the topics that matter to you."

Fair enough, good work should be paid.

But do "the writers" actually get paid by medium?
From my knowledge and experience so far, I had reasons to doubt, at least they never paid me (but then again I only wrote 1 serious story there).

Also I still do not get it why some stories are free and others aren't. Personally, I prefer dev.to for reading as well as writing. But medium stories rank so successfully on Google that there are always some of them before any dev.to content in the search results.

Everything we have in life is a set of illusions, one seemingly more real than the other. When a child pees themselves in their sleep, they pee in a perfectly real bucket. They hear a steady, real sound of urine hitting the wall, confirming they didn’t miss, but somehow, it doesn’t sit well with them, and they doubt. A serious, full-grown adult is different in just one thing — they also shit themselves.

They lack that doubt that brings the child closer to the truth. Instead, adults have a so-called “scientific worldview”, that, in a nutshell, is about how the bucket is real because of the sound, and the sound is real because of the bucket, and thus, we all should be working 24/7.

To help a serious, full-grown adult wake up from this reality, death exists.

Work! Terribile doubt about our project 😭i will leave this company if we do not come up with an adult solution 😔

We are working for another Company, they asked to add a web app to their project.

We made frontend and backend, we make user auth to their api, then call their api (place order, get orders etc), passing their auth token to their services.

Which Means that our endpoints are not really protected (i think) and if we add an endpoint that does not use their api, the only way to secure them Is to take the token, validate It by calling for example get /order of the api and if It fails just discard the request....too slow?

my colleagues do not want to put a serious auth they Just want to use the company api and leave the rest open...

And the customer Just asked to use some other api functionality, but that api has another auth... How do we pur them togheter? The last api want the id of the user to do machine ti machine auth

It Is my 6th month here no one thaught me anything, i think i'll Just leave ..or am i Just experiencing the developer Daily work?😔